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Can’t think of a title  7

First of all I’d like to say thank you to everyone who emailed me - your kinds words mean a lot to me and I really appreciate you taking the time to send me some comfort. I apologise for the generic reply I sent but, as I said in my email, my home phone line has been cut off (apparently an underground cable was damaged) and I was at my parents house so I didn’t really want to spend too much time online. I will reply to each of you properly once things have died down.

On the day Dad passed away his health took a serious turn for the worse - it was decided he should be taken to Cheltenham hospital to be looked after. Soon after that it was deemed safer for him to go to Worcester hospital instead as the journey to Cheltenham would’ve been too much for him (it’s 30+ miles). At Worcester my Mum was told that the cancer had spread to both lungs, that he had limited breathing capacity and that he had double pneumonia - the doctor said they’d stabilise him and treat the pneumonia but there was no way he could survive another dose of chemotherapy. As it turned out that was academic - he died just before 9pm.

I can’t really remember much of the rest of Friday night and I can’t remember at all posting the previous entry. Since then time has slowed to a crawl and my mind is racing all the time - I can concentrate on things but I find myself thinking about things I haven’t thought about for years. I think about Dad at various times during the day and it’s usually about something funny he’d said or done and, if I’m honest, he said a lot of funny things. I get upset too, but only usually when I’m on my own, like when I’m getting into bed or if N has gone out and I’m fussing Rocco. I sleep right through the night but don’t feel like I’m getting any rest and I’ve developed my first cold-sore in nearly 10 years.

I received a sympathy card in the post this morning, which is something that hadn’t occurred to me to expect, and as I opened it and realised what it was I started crying and couldn’t stop for about 15 minutes. Fortunately the next two I opened didn’t have the same effect, lovely though they were.

As I’m sure any of you who’ve lost someone close to you will know, it’s near impossible to know how you’re going to feel at any given time and while thinking about the person you’ve lost can sometimes make you smile as you remember something good about them, other times you just seem to need to cry.

Excluding Friday night itself, I think I’ve cried more today than I did Saturday, Sunday and Monday combined. I don’t feel like it’s “sunk in” as such because I was fully aware of what had happened and I’ve never been one to succumb to denial, but today I guess I’m just worn down and it’s easier for my emotions to take advantage of me.

And now I’ve just realised that I’ve been typing without stopping to think what I’m saying - I won’t go back and edit anything so apologises if some of it doesn’t make sense.


don’t worry dude, I totally understand what you’re going through. Earlier this year when my grandfather died, I would start crying because suddenly everything makes you think of the person you lost; lyrics in a song, a photo, a memory. I channelled my emotions into creating a tribute and it really helped me to focus my thoughts and settle my feelings. - Andyk

What you are feeling is grief compounded by shock, as it was so sudden. hence the feeling of spinning wheels. Everyone goes a bit hyper in the days before the funeral ceremony, whatever it may be - then that usually acts as a catharsis and there is a letdown. Be prepared for strong feelings of guilt and anger to creep up on you (these, incidentally, are what ambulance-chasing lawyers thrive on). Death is about the one really irreversible thing in life - so we think “Oh, if only I’d not done that - or said this - or noticed the other thing sooner -” or we displace the guilt into anger “the hospital didn’t do this - the GP didn’t do that.” Your mum will need support in the days *after* the funeral, the will, probate, all those things have been sorted. That’s when the feeling of loss coincides with the dropping-away of many people. One thing - it is usually a false kindness to try to stop the widow/er from bustling around, if that is what they want to do. Activity helps. Brooding, because the family have with the best of intentions, left you nothing to do, doesn’t. - Anonymous

I didn’t know what to say when I read about this. I still don’t know what to say. Only I’m very sorry and I’ll add my name to the many people who are thinking of you just now. - The Goldfish

I think it’s good you’re letting the emotions take hold. It’s got to be healthy rather than holding it in. :) Take care - Danielle

Thanks everyone. - Timmargh

Yeah, take care Tim, hope you’re doing alright - Grix

You feel what you feel at those times…and all emotions (or lack thereof) are valid… - imfunnytoo