My dad will be 66 years old in October. He gave up smoking about 4 weeks ago after 40+ years. He was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 weeks later. Sorry if that sounded dramatic, but I’ve written and rewritten it about 10 times and have given up trying to make it sound any other way.
He was diagnosed on Friday 28th July and had his first dose of chemotherapy the following Monday. Apparently it’s the aggressive sort of cancer but the doctor assures us that “aggressive cancers can shrink as fast they grow when treated properly”. Drawing from my extensive, almost lifetime, experience with doctors I’m thinking “That may be so, Mr. Stethoscope, but I’ll believe it when I fucking see it”.
He has lost a lot of weight but he has been losing it for a while - because of a lump in his neck he’s taking steroids and these are giving him quite an appetite, so at least he’s eating more or less properly now. I’m obviously concerned but I’m not upset - I’m not the worrying sort: what happens happens. I think having accepted my crip-ability helps me take anything as is comes - I usually find myself pretending to be upset so people don’t get offended and think I don’t care. A guy I know online (who goes by the name of Stryke) suggested I get a badge made:
Crip-ability: You cry for the both of us
I think I may actually do that.
Of course, all this not worrying is great in theory but actually doing it brings consequences. I actually am not worrying consciously, but my sub-conscious mind has turned on me and now I’m full of apathy, I can’t be bothered to do things I usually enjoy (such as making entries on here) and while I sleep right through the night I don’t actually get any rest.
It’s seems that all of the above has caused some people to think that I don’t care about my father and his health — this is untrue. If you feel it does mean that I don’t care then I’m afraid you’ve missed the point.
My only escape at the moment is reading - I’ve just finished Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (last night) and am about to start The Two Towers. The Fellowship of the Ring took me a month to read but I’m in the flow, now, so The Two Towers should take me less time. I’m not a slow reader as such, but I like to visualise every scene in my head and play it out like a movie, so if I read a section and can’t quite figure it out or realise that I haven’t been paying attention I go back and re-read it. Call me anal if you like, but I call it making the most of a book.
On another note my brother, his wife and their children came over from Owego, Illinois, last week (the 8th) and stayed in the country for a week. They came to see dad but it was my nephew’s 18th birthday, too, while they were here. My nephew decided to stay in England when my brother (his dad) moved out to the US just over 2 years ago. We all went out for a meal and some drinks on the Friday, the actual day of my nephew’s birthday, and then he had a party at mum and dad’s local village hall on the Saturday.
I knew it would be but I have to say it anyway: it was bloody, bloody brilliant seeing them all again - I didn’t realise how much I’d missed them until I was waiting for them to turn up last Wednesday afternoon … I was actually nervous!